"How Are You Doing?": Navigating Impossible Questions During the Holidays

How do you respond to well-meaning questions about your grief and your loved one during holiday gatherings when you're not ready to talk about it?  

Synopsis

Holidays usually mean meeting relatives and friends who ask difficult questions about your loss. The inquiry shows that social interactions can be a significant trigger for grief, especially when citizens propose platitude, ask intrusive questions, or expect you to show emotional steadiness that you do not have sense. This article provides pragmatic scripts and tactics for conversations such as defending your emotional well-being during an already challenging period. 

You're at a holiday gathering, trying to survive small talk and forced smiles, when someone asks: "So, how are you doing?" It's a simple question. They probably mean well. But you know they don't actually want the real answer, which is: "I'm barely holding it together. I cried in the car before coming here. I want to leave but I'm trapped by social obligation. How do you think I'm doing?" So you say, "I'm okay, thanks," and the conversation moves on. But inside, you're screaming. 

Welcome to holiday grief, where every conversation is a mine field and every question requires you to make a choice between honesty and self-defense. 

The Questions You're Dreading 

Holiday gatherings often mean seeing people you haven't encountered since your loss. Extended family, old friends, acquaintances from work or church—people who know something happened but don't know the details, or people who don't know anything at all. These encounters generate questions that range from awkward to devastating: 

"How many kids do you have?" when you've lost a child. 

"Where's your husband?" from someone who doesn't know he died. 

"Are you dating anyone?" when your partner died six months ago. 

"How are you holding up?" from people who want reassurance that you're "doing better." 

"Have you tried [insert unsolicited advice]?" from people who think they can fix your grief. 

None of these questions are asked with malicious intent. But they're exhausting. Each one requires you to make split-second decisions about how much to share, how to protect yourself, and how to manage other people's emotions about your loss.

According to research published in Scientific American (2024), approximately 95% of people who have experienced loss report dealing with symptoms of physical or mental distress. Social situations during the holidays, with their emphasis on cheerfulness and connection, can intensify this distress significantly. 

The Impossible Choice: Honesty vs. Protection 

When someone asks how you're doing, you're faced with an impossible choice. Do you tell the truth and risk making them uncomfortable, or do you lie and protect them from your reality? If you're honest—" Actually, I'm really struggling. The holidays are unbearable without my mom"—you might get genuine support. But you might also get awkward silence, platitudes, or the person quickly changing the subject because they don't know how to respond. 

If you lie—"I'm doing okay, thanks"—you protect them from discomfort, but you also reinforce your own isolation. You're performing emotional stability you don't feel, which is exhausting and makes you feel even more alone. There's no perfect answer. Both choices have costs. The key is deciding which cost you're willing to pay in each specific situation.

Scripts for Common Questions 

Having prepared responses can make these conversations easier. You don't have to improvise in the moment when you're already emotionally depleted. Here are some scripts for common questions:

"How are you doing?"

•Brief version: "I'm taking it one day at a time."

•Honest version: "Honestly, the holidays are really hard. I'm doing my best."

•Redirect version: "It's a tough time of year, but I appreciate you asking. How are you?" 

"How many kids do you have?" (when you've lost a child)

•Include them: "I have three children. My daughter passed away two years ago."

•Don't include them: "I have two kids." (This isn't dishonoring your child—it's protecting yourself from a conversation you're not ready to have.)

•Redirect: "That's a complicated question for me. Can we talk about something else?" 

"Where's your spouse/partner?" (from someone who doesn't know)

•Direct: "He passed away in March. I know you didn't know—it's okay."

•Brief: "He passed away earlier this year."

•With boundary: "He's no longer with us, and I'm not ready to talk about it right now, and thank you for understanding." 

"Have you tried [therapy/ medication/ exercise/ prayer/ etc.]?"

•Firm boundary: "I appreciate the suggestion, but I'm working with my doctor/therapist on what's right for me."

•Redirect: "I'm handling it in my own way. Let's talk about something else."

•Honest: "I know you're trying to help, but unsolicited advice isn't helpful right now." 

"They're in a better place" or other platitudes

•Acknowledge without agreeing: "I know you're trying to comfort me. Thank you."

•Honest boundary: "I know you mean well, but that doesn't bring me comfort."

•Redirect: "I'd rather not talk about it right now, if that's okay." 

When People Want You to Be "Better" 

One of the hardest parts of holiday gatherings is encountering people who expect you to be "doing better" by now. Maybe your loss was months or even years ago, and they assume you've "moved on" or "healed." Research on prolonged grief disorder shows that approximately 10% of bereaved individuals experience intense yearning and preoccupation with the deceased that persists for 12 months or more. Grief doesn't follow the timeline people expect, and holidays often intensify grief regardless of how much time has passed. When people express surprise that you're still struggling, you might hear:

•"It's been a year—aren't you feeling better?"

•"You seem stuck. Have you considered moving forward?"

•"They wouldn't want you to be sad forever." 

These comments reflect cultural discomfort with long-term grief, not reality. You're not "stuck" because you're still grieving. You're processing a profound loss that doesn't resolve on anyone else's schedule. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your grief timeline. You can say:

•"Grief doesn't work that way for me."

•"I'm healing at my own pace."

•"I'd rather not discuss my grief process right now." 

The Pressure to Perform 

Holiday gatherings often require you to perform emotional stability you don't actually feel. You smile, make small talk, and act like you're holding it together—even when you're falling apart inside. This performance is exhausting. Grief affects not only mental health but also physical well-being, and the stress of maintaining a facade can increase the risk of heart disease, immune dysfunction, and other health issues. You don't have to perform as if everything is okay. You can: 

•Excuse yourself when you need to cry or take a break

•Be honest about struggling instead of pretending you're fine

•Leave early if the gathering becomes too much

•Skip the event entirely if that's what you need

Your wellbeing is more important than maintaining appearances or protecting other people from your grief. 

When Religious Comments Hurt Instead of Help

For many people grieving, religious or spiritual language provides comfort. For others, it causes additional pain. Maybe when your person died, people offered religious platitudes that felt hollow: "God needed another angel," "Everything happens for a reason," "They're in heaven now." Maybe these comments made you question your faith, or confirmed doubts you were already having.