When Children Grieve During the Holidays: Supporting Kids Through Loss

How do you help children navigate holiday grief when they've lost someone important, and how do you balance your own grief with supporting theirs?

Synopsis

Children experience and express grief differently than adults, and holidays can be particularly confusing and painful for grieving kids. Research shows that children's grief is often intermittent and behavioral rather than verbal, making it challenging for grieving parents to recognize and support. This article explores how children grieve during holidays, provides age-appropriate strategies for supporting them, and addresses the unique challenge of parenting through grief when you're barely surviving yourself. 

Your six-year-old asks if Grandma will be at Thanksgiving dinner this year. You've explained that Grandma died. You've had this conversation multiple times. But here she is, asking again, and you have to decide: do you explain it one more time, or do you break down crying?

Maybe your teenager has been withdrawn for weeks, and now he's refusing to participate in any holiday activities. You don't know if this is normal teenage behavior or grief, and you're too exhausted from your own grief to figure it out.

Maybe your toddler keeps asking where Daddy is, and you don't know how to explain death to someone who doesn't understand permanence yet.

Helping children grieve during the holidays is one of the hardest things you'll ever do—especially when you're grieving too.

How Children Grieve Differently

Children don't grieve the way adults do. Their grief is often intermittent—they might be crying one moment and playing happily the next. This doesn't mean they're not grieving or that they've "gotten over it." It means their brains can only handle grief in small doses. According to research, children's grief is also more behavioral than verbal. Instead of talking about their sadness, they might:

•Act out or become aggressive

•Regress to earlier behaviors (bedwetting, thumb-sucking, baby talk)

•Become clingy or anxious about separation

•Withdraw from activities they used to enjoy

•Have trouble sleeping or nightmares

•Struggle in school or with concentration

During the holidays, these behaviors often intensify. The disruption to routine, the emphasis on family togetherness, and the absence of their loved one create additional stress that children may not have words to express.

Age-Appropriate Understanding of Death

Children's understanding of death depends on their developmental stage. Knowing what your child can comprehend helps you communicate in ways that make sense to them.

Ages 0-2: Infants and toddlers don't understand death, but they feel the absence and emotional distress of caregivers.

Ages 3-5: Preschoolers often see death as temporary or reversible. They need simple, concrete explanations repeated many times.

Ages 6-9: School-age children are beginning to understand that death is permanent. They often have many questions and might worry about who will take care of them.

Ages 10-12: Preteens understand death intellectually but might struggle with the emotional reality. They're also more aware of social expectations and might hide their grief.

Teenagers: Teens understand death fully but might struggle with feeling different from their peers. They might grieve intensely in private while appearing fine in public. 

Common Questions Children Ask

Children often ask questions that adults find difficult to answer, especially during emotionally charged holiday times. Here are some common questions and how to respond.

"Where is [person] now?" 

Answer honestly based on your beliefs, but keep it simple. "Grandma's body stopped working, so she died. Some people believe her spirit is in heaven. Some people believe she's part of nature now. I believe [your belief]." It's okay to say "I don't know" if you're uncertain.

"Will they be at [holiday event]?" 

"No, sweetie. Remember, Daddy died, which means his body stopped working and he can't be with us anymore. I know that's really sad. I miss him too."

"Is it my fault?"

Children, especially young ones, often believe they caused the death through their thoughts or actions. "No, absolutely not. Nothing you did or thought or said caused this. [Person] died because [simple, truthful explanation]. It's not your fault, and it's not anyone's fault."

"Are you going to die too?"

This question often comes from fear. "Everyone dies eventually, but most people live for a very long time. I'm healthy and I plan to be here for you for many, many years. I'm not going anywhere."

"Why did God let this happen?" (if your family is religious)

This is a hard question, especially if you're struggling with it yourself. It's okay to say, "I don't know. I'm asking that question too. Some things don't make sense, and this is one of them." 

Supporting Children Through Holiday Grief

Helping children navigate holiday grief while managing your own is incredibly difficult. Here are some strategies that might help.

Maintain routines as much as possible. Children find security in predictability. Even though holidays disrupt normal routines, try to keep bedtimes, mealtimes, and other daily rhythms consistent. This provides stability when everything else feels chaotic.

Be honest but age-appropriate. Don't lie to children or use euphemisms like "went to sleep" or "went away," which can create confusion or fear. Use clear, simple language: "died," "death," "dead." Explain what happened in terms they can understand without overwhelming them with details.

Let them see you grieve. It's okay for children to see you cry or be sad. This teaches them that grief is normal and that it's okay to express emotions. However, try to avoid overwhelming them with your grief. If you're having a particularly hard moment, you can say, "I'm very sad right now because I miss [person]. I'm going to take a few minutes to myself, and then I'll be okay."

Include them in decisions when appropriate. Ask if they want to help decorate, choose a way to remember their person during the holiday, or participate in traditions. Giving them some control helps them feel less powerless. 

Create rituals to honor their person. Children benefit from concrete ways to remember their loved one. This might include:

•Lighting a candle before holiday meals

•Making a memory ornament

•Looking at photos together

•Doing an activity the person loved

•Making their favorite food

Don't force participation. If your child doesn't want to participate in a holiday activity, don't force it. Grief might make things they used to enjoy feel overwhelming. Respect their boundaries while gently encouraging them to stay connected.

Watch for behavior changes. Since children often express grief through behavior rather than words, pay attention to changes in sleep, appetite, school performance, friendships, or mood. Significant changes might indicate they need additional support. 

When Your Child's Grief Triggers Your Own

One of the hardest parts of supporting grieving children is that their grief often triggers your own. When your daughter cries for her dad, you're reminded of your own loss of your spouse. When your son asks why Grandma had to die, you're confronted with the same unanswerable question.

This is normal and incredibly painful. You're navigating your own grief while trying to support theirs, and sometimes it feels impossible to do both. Some strategies that might help:

Be honest about your limitations. "I'm having a really hard day today, so I might not be able to talk about this right now. But we can talk about it tomorrow, okay?"

Seek support from other adults. If possible, involve other trusted adults (family members, friends, teachers, counselors) who can provide additional support to your children when you're overwhelmed.

Take care of yourself. You can't support your children if you're completely depleted. This isn't selfish—it's necessary. Even small acts of self-care (a few minutes alone, a walk, a phone call with a friend) can help you maintain the capacity to parent through grief.

Get professional help if needed. If you're struggling to function or support your children, professional help for both you and them can make a significant difference. 

When Children Need Professional Support

Sometimes children need more support than parents can provide, especially when parents are also grieving. Signs that your child might benefit from professional grief counseling include:

•Persistent behavioral problems at home or school

•Significant regression in development

•Intense anxiety or fear, especially about death or separation

•Withdrawal from friends and activities for extended periods

•Physical symptoms without medical cause (stomachaches, headaches)

•Talk of wanting to die or join the deceased person

•Inability to function in daily life

Child grief counselors and therapists can provide age-appropriate support that helps children process their loss in healthy ways. 

Balancing Your Grief and Theirs

You're grieving, and your children are grieving, and somehow you're supposed to manage both. This is one of the cruelest aspects of loss—having to parent through your own devastation. Some days you'll do this well. Other days you'll barely survive. Both are okay.Remember:

•You don't have to be perfect. You just have to be present.

•It's okay to tell your children you're sad too.

•It's okay to ask for help from other adults.

•It's okay to have days where you can't do much beyond basic care.

•Your children need you to be honest more than they need you to be strong.

Research shows that children are remarkably resilient when they have at least one stable, caring adult in their lives. You don't have to have all the answers or handle everything perfectly. You just have to show up and love them through it. 

When Religious Beliefs Complicate Children's Grief

If your family has religious beliefs about death and afterlife, these can provide comfort—or create confusion—for grieving children. Some children find comfort in beliefs about heaven, reincarnation, or spiritual continuation. Others have questions or doubts that adults find uncomfortable. Some children might parrot religious explanations they've heard without truly understanding or believing them. 

If you're personally struggling with religious beliefs after your loss, navigating your children's questions becomes even more complicated. You might not know how to answer questions about heaven or God's plan when you're questioning those things yourself. It's okay to be honest with your children about uncertainty. "I'm not sure what I believe about that right now. Different people believe different things, and it's okay to have questions."

You don't have to have perfect theological answers. You just have to be honest and present. 

Moving Forward as a Grieving Family

The holidays will end, but your family's grief will continue. Supporting your children through grief isn't a one-time conversation or a single holiday season—it's an ongoing process that will look different as they grow and develop. Be patient with yourself and with your children. You're all learning to live with a loss that has fundamentally changed your family. There will be hard days and easier days, and both are part of the journey.

Your children are watching how you navigate grief, and they're learning from you. By being honest, seeking support when you need it, and allowing space for both grief and joy, you're teaching them that it's possible to survive devastating loss. You don't have to do this perfectly. You just have to do it together.

References:

Penberthy, J. K. (2024, December 18). How to Manage Holiday Grief in Yourself and Others. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-to-manage-holiday-grief-in-yourself-and-others/

If you're struggling to support your children through grief while navigating your own, Serenity Professional Counseling can help. We specialize in traumatic grief and family loss, and we understand the unique challenge of parenting through devastating grief.