When Your Family Is Still Religious: Setting Boundaries and Maintaining Relationships

This article answers the question: How do I maintain relationships with my religious family members after leaving faith, and when should I set boundaries? 

Synopsis

This article finds out what happens when you are escaping religion but your relatives are not. It looks at common family reactions, gives you scripts for tough talks, and helps you set healthy boundaries while protecting yourself during the holidays. 

As we get deeper into December, a number of you are facing a reality that this season of the year feels especially oppressive to you: your family is still very religious, and you're not. The holidays make it more difficult. Family gatherings that once felt cozy now feel tense. Traditions that once brought you joy now bring you anxiety. This conflict is quite possibly the most painful aspect of departing religion. You didn't just lose your faith. You lost the common perception of the world that tied you to your family. Research verifies that deconversion can strain family relationships. But it needn't destroy them [1]. Many have good relations with religious relatives. It takes setting clear boundaries, good communication, and occasionally making difficult choices. 

Common Family Trends When You Defect from Religion 

When you are defecting from your religion, your family's reaction typically depends on how central religion is to their identity. There are some families who are loving and accepting, even if they don't support your choice. Some families respond with rejection, anger, or attempts to bring you back to religion. Your family might view your leaving as rejecting them, rather than the religion. They might be concerned about your soul. They might worry about what other people will think. These anxieties can cause them to behave in a manner that is injurious to you. 

Common family reactions include constant proselytizing, sending religious materials, making your faith a topic of every conversation, or using emotional manipulation like guilt and fear. Some families go further, threatening to cut off contact or actually shunning you. You can also be given conditional love. You family's love seems to be contingent upon your going back to religion. They might issue statements such as "We'll always love you, but." or "You're welcome home when you go back to God." This hurts because it says that you're not okay the way that you are. 

The Grief on Both Sides 

It is important to note, too, that there is loss on both of your sides here. You're grieving the absence of easy connection with your family. You're grieving that they can't accept this fundamental part of yourself. Your family is grieving as well. They're grieving loss of faith in both of you and the future they once had planned for you. If they genuinely believe you're in spiritual danger, they're suffering and fearful. This isn't an excuse for behaving poorly, but it can help to make it easier to comprehend and attempt to be compassionate. The hard part is dealing with the two griefs at the same time. You can empathize with their suffering and still hold on to a defense. You can sympathize with their terror without agreeing to be manipulated. 

Having "The Conversation" with Religious Family

 Most people wrestle with how and if to tell their family they are leaving religion. There isn't one right answer. Some are very open about it. Some keep it a secret. Most fall somewhere in the middle. If you do choose to have the conversation, timing and approach matter. Find a quiet moment, not during the course of a family spat or religious holiday. You might say something like: "I need to tell you something. My beliefs have changed, and I no longer think of myself as [religion]. I know this will be hard to hear." 

Be prepared for a range of reactions. Some family members will be accepting or unsurprised. Others will react with anger, shock, or attempts to argue you back into religion. You can't dictate how they react, but you can dictate the amount you engage. It's fine to set limits on the conversation. You might say, "I'm not in the mood for having this conversation. I'm sharing this with you because I want to be honest with you and not because I'm looking for you to approve of me." If the conversation becomes confrontational, you can end it. 

Scripts for Everyday Hard Conversations  

 Existing responses will allow you to work out frequent difficult interactions. Here are some scripts:

When they try to reconvert you: "I do appreciate that you care for me, but I've made my decision and it's not negotiable. If you can't accept that, we'll have to change the subject."  

When they send religious materials: "I know that you mean well, but sending me religious material isn't helpful. Please do not continue. If you do, I'll have to curtail our contact." 

When they turn your faith into a perpetual discussion subject: "I'm more than willing to discuss many things with you, but my religious convictions are not one of them. Can we agree to leave that subject off limits?" 

When they resort to guilt or fear: "I know you care about me and are concerned about me, but appeals to fear and guilt won't work to influence me. It only hurts our relationship." 

When they threaten consequences: "I'm sad that you feel you need to issue an ultimatum. I hope you'll change your mind, but I can't change who I am to save this relationship." 

Setting Healthy Boundaries Around Religion

 Boundaries are useful in maintaining relationships with religious relatives. Boundaries are not about controlling others. They're about defining what you will and won't accept. Healthy boundaries with religious family members would be: not discussing your religious beliefs, not attending religious worship, not participating in religious rituals like prayer, not allowing proselytizing with your kids, and not tolerating  The key to healthy boundaries is consistency and clarity. State clearly what you need. Instead of "Stop getting so religious around me," say "I won't attend church services with you, but I'd love to attend family dinner afterwards." obnoxious comments. 

 Then do it. If you let your family know you're leaving when they cross a line, you must leave. Being consistent shows your family that you're serious. It reminds them they must respect your boundaries in order to continue the relationship. 

Managing Holiday Gatherings

 The holidays bring unique challenges. Holiday time is when religious families try to focus on religious celebrations. You could be asked to attend church services, say prayers, or participate in religious rituals that don't feel authentic anymore. Make decisions in advance about what you will and won't do. You might be willing to attend the family meal but not the church service that day. You might be willing to bow your head respectfully in prayer but not speak. 

Communicate your boundaries in advance. Do not wait until dinnertime to announce that you are not going to pray. Communicate with your family in advance: "I'm happy to have everyone at dinner, but I'm not attending church." 

Plan an exit. Get your own ride so you can quickly leave if needed. Stay in a hotel rather than a relative's home. Make plans outside the family function so you will have time to recharge. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish. It's necessary. 

When to Maintain Contact vs. When to Step Back  

 Not all family relationships are possible or desirable to maintain. Sometimes the healthiest choice is to reduce contact or cut them off altogether, at least for the time being. This is an extremely difficult decision, and only you can make it. Consider cutting off or reducing contact if your family is abusive, if contact consistently harms your mental health, if they refuse to respect any boundaries whatsoever, or if the relationship requires you to hide essential parts of yourself [2]. 

Stepping back doesn't mean it's permanent. The majority of people have a time-out with family relationships to heal and establish healthier boundaries, then get back together on their own terms. You might sever contact from weekly to monthly, or from monthly to holiday-only. If you do choose to cut back or cut off contact, be truthful about why. You might say, "I need to step away from our relationship because the stress on religion all the time is harming my mental health. I am willing to reconnect when you can show me respect for my boundaries." 

The Role of Therapy in Family Navigation

 Dealing with family members after leaving religion is challenging emotional work. A therapist who understands religious trauma can help. They can help you navigate through grief, set healthy boundaries, prepare for tough talks, and figure out when to stay connected or pull away. 

Family therapy can also be beneficial if your family will work. A good therapist can help to open channels of communication and provide a framework for maintaining a relationship despite religious differences. But, again, family therapy works only if everybody is honest. 

Individual counseling offers you a venue to work through your feelings without worrying about how your family will react. You can explore your anger, sadness, and grief. You can work on setting boundaries. This kind of support is especially useful during the holiday season. 

You Deserve Relationships That Honor Who You Are

 Cutting loose from religion also means renegotiating all the family relationships. This is tiring and painful. You'll feel bad for setting boundaries or upset that boundaries need to be created. You'll grieve the superficial relationships you had. These feelings are real. You're navigating a very difficult circumstance with no perfect solutions. Some days coping with family relationships will be worth it. Other days it will be incalculable. Both are acceptable. 

It is that you respect yourself along the way. You're deserving of having relationships where you're loved for who you are, not for who you're supposed to be, according to your family. You're deserving of being able to celebrate holidays without fear or guile. Not all families can do that. If your family can't, it's okay to build chosen family from friends and community that love you for who you are. It's okay to grieve the family relationships you wish you had but build new ones that really support you. 

As Christmas and the end of the year approach, be gentle with yourself. Make it through family gatherings in whatever way protects your health. Mourn without shame. Choose connection when it is healthy and distance when it's necessary. 

If you are struggling with relationships with religious family members, therapy can be a lifesaver. As a seasoned therapist specializing in faith deconstruction and religious trauma, I help clients create healthy boundaries, practice difficult conversations with family members, and choose contact with religious family members. This is especially helpful around the holidays. Call today to arrange a consultation. 

References

[1] Hendricks, J. J., Hardy, S. A., Taylor, E. M., & Dollahite, D. C. (2024). Does leaving faith mean leaving family? Longitudinal associations between religious identification and parent-child relationships across adolescence and young adulthood. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 63(1), 1-21. https://doi.org/10.1111/jssr.12876

[2] Jindra, I. W., & Lee, J. (2023). Negotiating leaving religion, family relationships, and identity: The case of LDS faith transitions in therapy. Clinical Social Work Journal, 51(1), 60-72. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10615-021-00822-y

Meta Description: Struggling with religious family after leaving faith? Learn how to set healthy boundaries, navigate difficult conversations, and decide when to maintain or limit contact during the holidays.