How can you prepare for the holidays after someone has died when the thought of them already feels overwhelming?

Synopsis

You do not have to figure out the entire holiday season today. Start by naming one moment you fear, then consider what would make that moment more manageable: company, a shorter visit, help with a task, or permission to decide later. Make a provisional plan rather than a promise about how you will feel. You can care about the people gathering, miss the person who died, and still need a different kind of holiday this year.

Perhaps a family group text asks who is hosting Thanksgiving, and your stomach tightens before you finish reading. Nothing has happened yet. But you are already imagining the empty chair, the familiar recipe, or the question you do not know how to answer.

You may feel ashamed that you are struggling so early. You may also fear that if November already hurts this much, December will be impossible. There is another way to understand that dread: something important is approaching, and you do not yet know what you will need.

Why does it hurt before the holiday arrives?

An approaching occasion can bring both missing the person and worrying about how you will manage without them. This is distress in anticipation of a meaningful date after a death, not anticipatory grief about a death that has not happened.

Researcher Amy Chow described “anticipatory anniversary reactions” in a paper drawing on bereaved adults in Hong Kong. The findings suggested that distress could rise before a death anniversary rather than only on the date itself. Because the study compared different people at different times since their loss, it could not establish a predictable pattern for any one person. Chow’s explanatory model proposes that uncertainty about the occasion and one’s ability to cope may contribute to distress. (1)

Other research also suggests that personally meaningful dates matter. A study of older bereaved spouses found increased anxiety, depression, and despair around a deceased spouse’s birthday at its six-month follow-up. Those date-related associations were not evident at the eighteen-month follow-up. That is a finding in a particular sample, not a deadline for your grief or a prediction about your holidays. (2)

Your dread deserves attention. It does not tell you, with certainty, how the actual day will unfold.

Which moment are you actually afraid of?

Try making the question smaller than “How will I survive the holidays?” You might ask, “Which part am I picturing when the dread gets strongest?”

Perhaps it is walking into the house without your partner. Perhaps it is hearing someone mention your parent as though nothing has changed. Or it may be the opposite: everyone avoiding their name. If the relationship was complicated, you may dread pressure to describe a closeness you did not experience.

If useful, finish three sentences:

• “The moment I keep imagining is…”
• “What feels hardest about it is…”
• “One thing that might help is…”

You do not need a complete answer. “I’m afraid I’ll cry while we cook, and I’d like someone to stay with me” is enough to identify a possible need. So is “I don’t know whether I want to cook that meal at all.”

Separating the moment from the whole season gives you something specific to discuss. It is not a demand to stop grieving or make the holiday painless.

Make a provisional plan, not a contract

A provisional plan describes what you intend to try while leaving room for new information. It does not require you to predict your emotional state several weeks ahead.

The VA’s National Center for PTSD explains that anticipated reminders can themselves create distress and recommends considering ways to “cope ahead,” including plans, breaks, and trusted support. This is trauma-focused guidance; holiday dread alone does not mean you have PTSD. The practical invitation is to arrange some support before a difficult occasion, rather than waiting until you are overwhelmed. (3)

For example, your current plan might be to attend dinner but skip the afternoon preparations. Your alternative might be a brief visit another day. If transportation or caregiving limits those choices, the plan could instead include a quiet place to sit and a relative who agrees to take over one task.

You might say, “I want to come, but I’m not ready to commit to the whole day. Can I confirm the week before?” A host may need an earlier answer for practical reasons. If so, offer the smallest commitment you can reasonably make, rather than a promise to feel festive.

Choose a time to revisit the plan. Revising it is allowed; you are responding to what you learn.

Do you need to attend—or step back?

Neither attending everything nor declining everything is automatically the right response. Ask what a particular choice makes possible and what it costs you.

Research on bereavement coping found that a greater perceived ability to attend to current goals, plans, and other people predicted fewer later grief and depression symptoms among bereaved spouses. This was observational research, not a test of holiday attendance. It does not show that going to dinner will help, or that remembering the person is harmful. (4)

For your plans, consider a middle option before assuming you must choose the whole event or nothing. You could share dessert with one person rather than attend a large gathering. You could keep the meal but ask someone else to prepare the dish the person who died always made.

A quiet evening might provide needed rest. It might also leave you more alone than you want. Ask, “Would this choice give me some room, or take away support I still need?” You can approach one part of the occasion and step back from another without making either choice a rule for the season.

What if planning turns into rehearsing disaster?

You can stop planning when it stops producing a useful next step. There is a difference between arranging a ride and repeatedly picturing yourself falling apart at the table.

If you notice that repetition, you might write down the decision you have already made: “I’ll check in with my sister next Sunday. I do not need to settle Christmas tonight.” Then return to something available now, such as making lunch, completing a small task, or contacting someone you trust.

If it feels helpful, briefly notice where you are sitting and what you can see around you. Stop if that makes you feel worse. The aim is not to force calm; it is to give yourself a break from trying to live the entire future in advance.

If tears come, you do not have to interpret them as evidence that the plan failed.

When could support help?

Support may be worth considering when dread is repeatedly disrupting sleep, concentration, or daily responsibilities, or when your options feel increasingly restricted by fear. You can also seek help simply because you want a place to sort through an emotionally complicated occasion.

Counseling can provide space to identify what you fear, discuss realistic support, and consider plans that fit your circumstances. You do not have to wait for the holiday itself to ask for that space.

If you are an adult in Texas and would like help thinking through the approaching season, you can request an appointment with Serenity Professional Counseling. The starting point can be modest: one feared moment and what you might need around it—not solving the whole season.

About the Author

Jeff Jones, LPC, is a Texas psychotherapist at Serenity Professional Counseling who works with adults navigating traumatic grief and religious trauma. He offers online therapy throughout Texas.

Disclaimer: This article provides general information and is not a substitute for individualized mental health care.

References

1. Chow, A. Y. M. (2010). Anticipatory anniversary effects and bereavement: Development of an integrated explanatory model. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 15(1), 54–68. https://doi.org/10.1080/15325020902925969

2. Carr, D., Sonnega, J., Nesse, R. M., & House, J. S. (2014). Do special occasions trigger psychological distress among older bereaved spouses? An empirical assessment of clinical wisdom. The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, 69B(1), 113–122. https://doi.org/10.1093/geronb/gbt061

3. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, National Center for PTSD. (n.d.). Trauma reminders: Anniversaries. https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/what/anniversary_reactions.asp

4. Huang, S. H., Birk, J. L., & Bonanno, G. A. (2023). Looking back and moving forward: Dimensions of coping flexibility divergently predict long-term bereavement outcomes. Anxiety, Stress, & Coping, 36(3), 275–290. https://doi.org/10.1080/10615806.2022.2099545