Surviving, Not Thriving: Self-Care for Holiday Grief When You're Barely Holding On

What does self-care actually look like when you're grieving during the holidays and barely have the energy to get through each day?

Synopsis

Traditional self-care advice often feels impossible when you're grieving—you can't "treat yourself" or "practice gratitude" your way out of devastating loss. Research shows that grief affects both mental and physical health, and the added stress of holidays can intensify these effects. This article redefines self-care for grieving people during the holidays, focusing on survival strategies rather than wellness trends, and acknowledging that sometimes self-care means simply making it through the day. 

Everyone keeps telling you to "take care of yourself" during the holidays. They suggest bubble baths, meditation apps, gratitude journals, and treating yourself to something nice. But here's what they don't understand: you can barely get out of bed. You're not thinking about bubble baths—you're thinking about how to survive Thanksgiving dinner without falling apart. You're not practicing gratitude—you're trying to figure out how to breathe through the pain of missing your person. Traditional self-care advice doesn't work when you're grieving. You need something different—something that acknowledges that you're not trying to thrive right now. You're just trying to survive.

Why Traditional Self-Care Fails Grieving People

Self-care has become a wellness industry buzzword, filled with images of face masks, yoga classes, and inspirational quotes. But when you're grieving, these suggestions can feel insulting or impossible. According to research published in Scientific American (2024), approximately 95% of people who have experienced loss report dealing with symptoms of physical or mental distress. Grief affects sleep, appetite, concentration, energy levels, and physical health. During the holidays, when stress intensifies and grief triggers multiply, these effects become even more pronounced.

Traditional self-care assumes you have baseline functioning and just need to enhance it. But grief destroys baseline functioning. You're not looking to optimize your wellness—you're looking to survive the day without completely falling apart.That requires a different definition of self-care.

Redefining Self-Care for Grief

Self-care during grief isn't about treating yourself or practicing wellness. It's about basic survival and harm reduction. It's about doing the bare minimum to keep yourself functioning, and accepting that the bare minimum is enough. Self-care during holiday grief might look like:

•Getting out of bed even though you don't want to

•Eating something, even if it's not healthy

•Canceling plans when you don't have the capacity

•Crying when you need to instead of holding it in

•Asking someone else to handle something you can't manage

•Going to bed early instead of forcing yourself to stay up

•Leaving a gathering when it becomes too much

•Saying no without explanation or guilt

None of these look like traditional self-care. But they're acts of survival, and during grief, survival is self-care.

Permission to Lower Your Standards

One of the most important aspects of self-care during grief is giving yourself permission to lower your standards for everything. Your house doesn't have to be clean. Your holiday decorations don't have to be elaborate. Your gifts don't have to be thoughtful and perfect. Your meals don't have to be home-cooked and nutritious. Your appearance doesn't have to be polished.  You don't have to send holiday cards, attend every gathering, or maintain your usual level of productivity. You don't have to be a good host, a cheerful guest, or a supportive family member. You just have to survive. 

Research shows that grief affects not only mental health but also physical well-being, increasing the risk of heart disease, immune dysfunction, and other health issues. The stress of maintaining high standards while grieving intensifies these physical effects. Lowering your standards isn't giving up. It's recognizing that you have limited capacity right now, and you need to use that capacity for survival, not performance.

Practical Survival Strategies

Here are concrete strategies for surviving the holidays while grieving. These aren't wellness tips—they're survival tools.

Sleep when you can. Grief disrupts sleep, and holiday stress makes it worse. If you can sleep, do it. Naps aren't lazy—they're necessary. If you can't sleep, rest anyway. Lie down, close your eyes, and give your body a break.

Eat something. You might not have an appetite. Food might taste like nothing. But your body needs fuel. Eat whatever you can manage—crackers, toast, protein bars, takeout. Nutrition is ideal, but calories are necessary. Don't judge yourself for eating "poorly." You're surviving.  

Drink Water. Grief and stress cause dehydration, which makes everything worse. Keep water nearby and drink it. If plain water feels impossible, drink anything—tea, juice, soda. Hydration matters more than what you're hydrating with. 

Move your body if you can. You don't need to exercise. But if you can take a short walk, stretch, or move in any way, it can help. Movement releases stress hormones and can provide temporary relief. If you can't move, that's okay too. 

Limit alcohol and substances. It's tempting to numb grief with alcohol or other substances, especially during holiday gatherings. But substances intensify grief in the long run and can lead to complicated grief or addiction. If you're using substances to cope, consider reaching out for professional support. 

Protect your sleep space. Your bed should be a safe place. If you're struggling to sleep, create a calm environment—dark, quiet, comfortable temperature. Avoid screens before bed if possible. If intrusive thoughts keep you awake, try listening to calming sounds or guided meditations designed for grief. 

Cry when you need to. Crying isn't a sign of weakness or breakdown—it's a physical release of stress hormones. If you need to cry, find a private space and let it happen. Holding tears in takes more energy than releasing them. 

Ask for specific help. People often say "let me know if you need anything," but you're too overwhelmed to figure out what you need. Instead, ask for specific help: "Can you pick up groceries?" "Can you watch my kids for an hour?" "Can you call and cancel this appointment for me?" Specific requests are easier for people to fulfill.

When Self-Care Means Saying No

One of the most important self-care acts during holiday grief is saying no. No to gatherings, no to hosting, no to traditions, no to expectations. You might worry that saying no is selfish or that you're letting people down. But you can't pour from an empty cup, and grief has emptied yours. Saying no isn't selfish—it's self-preservation. You can say:

•"I'm not up for that this year, but thank you for understanding."

•"I need to take care of myself right now, which means declining."

•"I don't have the capacity for that."

•"No, I can't do that."

You don't owe anyone a detailed explanation. "No" is a complete sentence.

When Self-Care Means Asking for Help

Grief makes asking for help feel impossible. You might feel like you're burdening others, or like asking for help means you're failing. But you're not failing—you're surviving something devastating. Help might look like: 

•Asking a friend to sit with you so you're not alone

•Asking family to handle holiday planning

•Asking your doctor about medication for sleep or anxiety

•Asking a therapist for professional support

•Asking your employer for time off or reduced hours

•Asking someone to help with basic tasks like groceries or laundry

People who care about you want to help. Letting them is a gift to both of you.

The Myth of "Staying Busy"

People often suggest that staying busy will help you get through the holidays. "Keep yourself distracted," they say. "Don't give yourself time to think about it." But staying busy is exhausting when you're grieving. It requires energy you don't have, and it prevents you from processing your grief. Distraction might provide temporary relief, but it doesn't heal anything. Sometimes self-care means the opposite of staying busy. It means: 

•Canceling plans so you can rest

•Spending time alone instead of forcing social interaction

•Sitting with your grief instead of running from it

•Doing nothing at all

Grief needs space. Giving it that space is self-care.

When Physical Symptoms Require Attention

Grief manifests physically. You might experience:

•Chest pain or tightness

•Difficulty breathing

•Headaches

•Digestive issues

•Muscle tension or pain

•Exhaustion

•Weakened immune system

These aren't "all in your head"—they're real physical responses to grief. If symptoms are severe or persistent, see a doctor. Some physical symptoms require medical attention, and grief doesn't make them less real or less important. Self-care includes taking physical symptoms seriously and seeking medical help when needed. 

When Self-Care Means Professional Support

Sometimes self-care means recognizing that you need more support than you can provide yourself. Signs that you might benefit from professional help include:

•Inability to function in daily life

•Persistent thoughts of not wanting to live

•Complete withdrawal from all activities and relationships

•Substance use to cope with grief

•Physical symptoms that interfere with daily functioning

•Feeling like grief is getting worse instead of better over time

Therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy and specialized grief counseling have been shown to be effective for processing traumatic loss. Many therapists offer telehealth services, making it easier to access support during the busy holiday season. Seeking professional help isn't admitting defeat. It's recognizing that some losses are too profound to process alone.

When Religious or Spiritual Practices Don't Help

For some people, religious or spiritual practices provide comfort during grief. Prayer, meditation, attending services, or connecting with faith communities can be sources of support. For others, these practices feel empty or even painful. Maybe the religious platitudes people offered when your person died felt hollow. Maybe your faith, which was supposed to make sense of loss, instead left you feeling abandoned or betrayed. 

If religious or spiritual practices don't bring you comfort, you don't have to force them. Self-care means honoring what actually helps you, not what's supposed to help you. You can grieve without prayer. You can heal without church. You can find meaning without theology. Your grief is valid whether or not it's framed in spiritual terms.

The Smallest Acts Count

When you're barely surviving, the smallest acts of self-care matter. Getting out of bed. Taking a shower. Eating a meal. Drinking water. These might seem insignificant, but they're not. Every small act of survival is an act of self-care. Every day you make it through is an accomplishment. Every moment you choose to keep going matters. You don't have to do big things. You don't have to practice elaborate self-care rituals. You just have to survive, one small act at a time.

You're Doing Better Than You Think

If you're reading this, you're surviving. You're making it through days that feel impossible. You're navigating a holiday season that amplifies your grief. You're doing something incredibly hard, and you're doing it.

That's enough. You are enough.

Self-care during grief isn't about thriving or optimizing or becoming your best self. It's about survival. It's about making it through today, and then tomorrow, and then the next day. And you're doing it. That's more than enough.

References:

Penberthy, J. K. (2024, December 18). How to Manage Holiday Grief in Yourself and Others. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-to-manage-holiday-grief-in-yourself-and-others/

If you're struggling to survive holiday grief and need support, Serenity Professional Counseling can help. We specialize in traumatic grief and understand that self-care during loss looks different than wellness industry advice suggests. We're here to help you survive, not pressure you to thrive.